hylery, Life, Parenting

Sex after children .. really?

No, I do not think I’m over sharing here .. I think it’s a very relevant subject … 🙂

I need, to be frank, and ask .. do couples continue to have sex after having or adopting children? I’ve heard of incidents where fathers who are present during childbirth are traumatized by the experience that they are put off sex. In some cases fathers experience a drop in their libido too – ok this sounds so impossible but ok – I guess there’s expert research on this. On the flip side, I understand that some mothers go through a period where they believe their spouse/partner no longer finds them attractive.

A study by Dr Lee Gettler of Notre Dame on how the biology of new fathers changes after birth, suggests that new fathers had a decline in testosterone and further found that fathers that were involved in the day-to-day caring of their children experienced even lower testosterone levels. These low levels though the researchers do not believe contribute to the low libido.

Do children come into our lives to deprive us parents of those heated bedroom, lounge, kitchen, in the car moments?

Seriously, though, with trying to finish everything that needs to get done at the office, getting home and sorting dinner out or helping hubby/wife, sorting out homework, dealing with the help’s own challenges, fitting gym or physical exercise we’re exhausted by the time one need to get to bed? In the morning, it’s such a rush to get ready and everyone out the house to our respective destinations on time, sneaking some loving moments with your spouse/partner then just doesn’t seem like an option either. The weekends, let’s not even discuss that .. we’re too busy rushing around trying to do the things we can’t in the week.

Does being a gay couple with children mean that the above scenario is any different from straight couples with children? I doubt it, I think regardless of sexual orientation if you’re a couple with children you may experience the lack of sex in your relationship once children come along. What once was a super fired situation between a couple, now they are lucky if it happens at all in a month!

How are married couples fitting sex into their daily lives post children?

I’ve read that we’re supposed to schedule sex, but then doesn’t it become too much of mechanical session? It almost seems like, it becomes more of a duty role and not something beautiful between a married couple or partners? I’d like to believe that at some point, perhaps when the children are at Primary School 😦 parent’s sex life returns to what it was?

For now , here are some ways of restoring couples sex life:

  • Introduce toys and porn to help get the spark back to “normal”. You may need to make time either late at night when the children are asleep or early morning if you are somehow able to get up before the kids.
  • Tell your spouse what your needs are, else you’re expecting them to guess and this just leads to both parties assuming everything is fine.
  • Our young man loves attempting to convince us to let him sleep in our bed. Tells us how cold his room is all alone – his a toddler – and that its soooo dark Mathé. Reading a book with him and assuring him that he will be fine sleeping in his own bed and room, has for now allowed hubby and I to have our own bed … at least Monday to Thursday.
  • Keep your bedroom door closed .. if the children are at the age where they have figured out how to open doors .. perhaps lock your bedroom door so you and your partner can buy some time to get it on… or as close to steaming up the windows as possible before there’s an “emergency” your child feels you desperately need to attend to.
  • Why waste a perfectly good afternoon? Instead of checking social media when your little one is having their afternoon nap, jump on each other. Just don’t be a screamer and wake your child up in the process.
  • You don’t have to always be making love, why not perfect the art of a quickie? Try to be random about it, so that the experience doesn’t become a chore.

It’s perfectly normal to feel like your sex life has left the building once children come into your life, but with some effort from you and your spouse or partner, it can be brought back to life. May take some creative thinking from both of you to resuscitate it, though 🙂 Whether you’re a gay or straight couple, it does seem that the lack of a sex life post having children can happen and does. It’s up to you as a couple to bring the sexy back into your lives, just my opinion and assuming there’s nothing else bigger psychologically or other preventing it of course.

Did you and your spouse experience a change to your sex life after the birth or adoption of your child? How did you handle it?

HKL

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8 thoughts on “Sex after children .. really?”

  1. Enjoyed your post Manni. With our three kids, quickies have certainly become an art form. Lol. It really helps when your spouse/partner continues to make you feel loved and sexy even after you’ve had kids. And the best bit is as the kids get older and able to fend for themselves, you can return once more to that honeymoon stage with your loved one.

    1. Thx for popping by 🙂 but you’ve just confirmed what another friend said, post reading the blog entry.

      It’s important to keep the fire burning with your spouse/partner while the kids are young and around. When they get older and demand less attention, that’s when you and spouse/partner add fuel to the fire ..just don’t let the fire die before this point in life …

  2. They say, sex is a form of exercise. So, with having sex when it’s time for exercise you kill two birds with one stone. 😀 You are right, though. Cutting time for social media, TV, computer games and like, you obtain valuable time.

    1. exactly, everyone is suffers in silence. At work alone I had a few colleagues appreciating it… and they not even fathers yet 🙂

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